Breaking up is hard to do
Recently I broke up with a good friend. Breaking up with friends is harder because they know you well. A best friend knows your thoughts and feelings about experiences and people. Ultimately I have felt more pain and frustration with ending friendships than I ever had breaking up with a boyfriend.
I wanted the friendship to last for years, potentially into the unforeseeable future. But that is not what happened. What happened was rather human, we had a disagreement. I want to say that I was right but I think I had just had enough: countless unanswered texts, emails, and then a dozen stand ups. She always had an excuse for them and would return most communications days or weeks later.
After almost a year of this behavior I felt disrespected, often getting ready and left waiting for hours with no call until I gave up. The only I ever got phone call was to help her through another drama or hear another story about her life that she was unwilling to change to make better.
Reading the article "Best-Friend Breakups" by Amy Sohn at New York magazine reiterated my belief about the importance and prevalence of breaking up a frienship. The fact that Amy Sohn and her friend are slightly older, single professional women was interesting.
I was gutless for many months unable to change the dynamic between us until I realized that I had some strong feelings about the way I was being treated. Instead of acting passive-aggressive I decided to make a change and address the issues I had with her.
It was difficult to for me to tell a person that I felt my good nature was being taken advantage of. I had to realize that in most adult relationships love is conditional. Also if I did not address the situation I was telling her and myself that my time was not valued.
I was met with total hostility and she balked at my presentation of facts about her behavior. It was nothing I was going to break up over but she demanded it. I stayed friendly and casual in our last communications just to see how she would respond, if I was participating in the correct action. All of her communications were hostile and used expletives, it was then I felt the break up was the correct thing to do.
In break ups, I've always said that people reveal their true nature to you. I was disappointed that she chose to act so crudely to someone who was so close to her. Since I had not seen her very much for the past year and a half I did not even feel an absence.
If you ever have to break up with a friend do it, you'll show more respect for yourself than they will for you.
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This was cool. Well written and all that. I've never had this problem myself but everything you were saying made sense. I felt like I was reading some sort of professional relationship article, like on Cosmo or something. Good stuff.
ReplyDeleteMike H.
Having recently suffered a friend break-up, I can certainly relate. There are always little things about the closest of friends that will drive you crazy from time to time. Yet those little things can sometimes add up and amount to major issues.
ReplyDeleteIt's important to remember that we are influenced, and ultimately shaped, by those near and dear to us. So if their attitude becomes toxic, best to step away before you get poisoned.
Interesting topic.
ReplyDeleteI believe that sometimes people just outgrow each other. Most of the time no one is to blame and when this is apparent both parties should say goodbye, shake hands and walk in opposite directions.
It may also make it easier for you if you can put yourself in her shoes and maybe see yourself through her eyes. Once your point of view is more well rounded then maybe the breakup wont be so unsettling.
We all see things so differently. We can only see things from our own point of view because it is all that we have. None of us can see beyond our own noses and most of us can even see that far. I think it was a mean trick for God to have made us all that way and then put all here together and expect us to get along.
ReplyDeleteYour friend probably has not a clue why you feel the way you do. All she can sees is how she feels.
That is as good as we get. I wish we could walk in another person's shoes, but we can't. We can only ask them how the feel because that is all she can tell you.
I am sorry and I am sorry for all of us. Our only hope is that we realize our limitations.
Natalie Cactus Truth
Very true! I know exactly what you mean, it is probably one of the hardest things I have ever done. I love the way you wrote this, it is a topic that isn't talked about much and I personally thinks more attention. Having those people that you can always talk to and relate to who are always there for you helps immensely. Every friend a person haves goes into the relationship thinking they will last forever, but unfortunately they usually don't last that long.
ReplyDeleteI think we've all experienced a friend break up sometime in our life. Unfortunately, they occur often in my life. At one point i was even beginning to think I was defective or something. It took me awhile to learn, but I finally came to terms with this.
ReplyDeleteI keep very few close friends around, I don't trust many people due to the fear of getting taken advantage of. I appreciate the few friends I do have and love them to death.
I'm often called, for the lack of better words, a heartless asshole.
But I've come to terms with this:
You can't depend on anyone but yourself. People will always disappoint you. Whether the situation be big or small.
I heard a quote on a tv show once, regarding love, and depending on people. It made so much sense to me, it made life a little easier.
I sleep better at night, no matter how much of an asshole people think I am.
"you're born alone and you die alone. this world just drops a bunch of rules on top of you to make you forget those facts. but i never forget. i'm living like there's no tomorrow because there isn't one."
Interesting post. I have never broken up with a friend or been broken up by one but there is a lot of insight there even if you are a guy. I guess guys don't really let it get to that point, we just let the friendship die by neglect.
ReplyDeleteInteresting yet great post. I have lost friends like it seems you have, and its definatly not easy. I look at it, that if they couldnt stay your friend through even the hardest times which seems what it is like for you right now, then they aren't as good of a friend that you thought. Your always going to have harder times with your friends but your best friends will always get over it sooner or later.
ReplyDeleteGreat topic. Most of us have lost friends and you always hear people say when you need you're friends the most they're no where to be found. I know many people but I don't have many friends. Most of the people I talk to I would never tell them anything personal or any type of secrets. I trust my family and that's about it. Those are your real friends, at least in my case.
ReplyDeleteReading this brings back some bitter memories for me. I've had this situation before, and they never turned out well. I give you some major credit for writing about it. It's a subject that not many people feel comfortable bringing up.
ReplyDelete